May 25, 2008
I realize I haven’t written since St. Patrick’s Day…but I don’t really feel bad about it. I have this complex relationship with blogging. Going into this blog, I told myself I wouldn’t reveal anything about myself on it – because that’s dangerous. I mean, anyone can and will read my blog, right? Well that quickly became impossible as personal details have slipped in under my radar and I haven’t bothered to correct them. Sometimes personal details are necessary. I have tried, however, to keep personal stories out of my blog. This is a hard battle to fight. It’s so tempting to turn my blog into a personal narrative – a public journal that replaces the good old fashioned notebook of my childhood and adolescence. If that was the case, I’d have lots of things to say and posting wouldn’t feel like a chore – or would it? Even as I sat down to write this – my head spinning with things to say, words practically spilling from my fingertips in already mentally formed and reformed sentences – I am filled with apathy by the untyped page. Why should I take the time to put my thoughts down on paper? I know what I’m thinking and none of you actually care. If there’s something someone needs to know, I generally end up telling them outright in hour long conversations that seem to happen frequently. I just read an article in the New York Times Magazine about a professional blogger who ended up ruining her life because she “overshared” on her various blogs. I “overshare” in a much more old fashioned way and that gets me into enough trouble.
So right now, instead of writing about my currently messed up and confusing social and love life or my own astonishment at my rapidly transforming identity (topics I will likely address in another document immediately following the drafting of this post and ones I, in good Jr. High fashion, have previously explored in the backs of notebooks while trying to stay awake in class), and instead of profusely name-dropping pseudonyms for all the people in my life, I’m going to simply write about right now: Where I am and what I’m thinking. – And hope things don’t get to personal. Because if they do, I’ll have to consign this draft to my personal journal and think of something else to write. And it won’t be interesting. And it probably won’t get written.
Anyway, Now. I’m sitting in the motor boat at the end of my cabin’s dock. As I write, I know that I won’t be able to post this until a day or two from now because I have no internet access. It’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m up here for a variety of family functions that have allowed extended family politics to permeate my life more than I am normally comfortable with – but no more than they do at Thanksgiving. It’s just surprising to me because I’m coming off of college and a different sort of family politics there and being thrown into the same-old same-old conversations that, frankly, I’m tired of hearing about and dealing with. But I’ve managed to shrug most of them off pretty well and enjoyed the time by taking pictures and sharing bits of gossip with my cousins. And now I’m sitting alone down at the beach. The sun is nearing setting – it’s about 7 o’clock – and the wind is blowing pretty hard. It reminds me a little of campus, but I’m trying not to think about that. Thoughts spinning in my head include blogging ethics and safety, half-guilty reflections on my own episodes of ‘oversharing’ I have suffered in the last month, memories of childhood summers spent at the lake, annoyance at my longing to be back in the midst of this last semester, contemplations about the importance of Jesus to Christianity (my grandpa was just having a heated debate with my mom and aunt as I walked through the living room to get my computer), horror at how fast I seem to be growing up, and – as stated before – confusion about my own life choices in academia, social life, and love interests.
What I’ll talk about, though, is how nice the wind feels and how cold the water is. Apparently the ice broke up only two weeks ago, so the water is still frigid. I stood in it for a little while and wished it was warmer so I could have a day at the beach. But those days will come. Hopefully. I don’t have a lot of time at the cabin this summer, but what’s new? Since I entered high school, soccer and jobs have gotten in the way of month-long excursions to the cabin. But I’ll take what weekends I can. Unfortunately, I only have about eight and I have to balance them between driving back down to Northfield to see the many college friends who are staying in town for jobs or classes this summer, reconnecting with my high school friends in the city, and taking time for trips to the cabin and other places as yet up in the air. Oh and a family sailing trip. So we’ll see how this goes. I suppose I’ll be here for the 4th of July. It will be warm then. Interestingly, I’m having trouble adjusting to the cabin atmosphere. The lack of a cell phone – because I stupidly packed my charger into storage before I left campus – and lack of internet access leaves me hanging after the intense socialization of a college campus. At college, even when I’m alone, I’m not really alone. My best friends are mere steps away at all times and the online community of facebook is at my fingertips. Add the new facebook chat to the mix and things get all the more extreme. Even now, as I sit on the porch at my cabin (yes, I’ve moved), my mind is reaching out to those friends I’ve been in communication with 24/7 for the past semester. I’m strangely adrift without their input. That’s an independence I’m going to have to gain very soon. I think I’ll manage but it will be nice to be ‘home’ again, come January. 
